Summer is on us!

Hey folks! Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but summer is here, and I am actually busy this time of year, so I haven't had the time to write articles lately. I will do my best to write a couple articles in July and a couple more come august. To make up for the slack I promise they will be extra good! And to show how sincere I am, here's a picture of me looking sad.

EMOTIONS!

See you soon for the real deal! I love you! Like a gentleman loves a fine scotch and steak.

Five movie characters who sucked at their jobs.

Movies. It’s one of my favorite subjects, and with good reason. Movies are awesome! I could write exclusively about them on this blog, but that would be too boring for all of you, my beloved readers and soon to be fanbase (right?). Instead my aim is to be sneaky about and write clever observational stuff like this one right here. It’s obnoxious how smart that is, right?

You bet!

The general structure of a movie is that every character serves a distinct purpose or is meant to purvey a distinct feeling about them. Sometimes that purpose gets screwed up, and the character winds up looking like a jackass, that literally dropped the ball in almost every aspect of their characters job or profession. To make sense, this article is about movie characters who’re hired or already in a job, where they constantly fail or just do not live up to the expectations of the audience. Now you may not agree with the things on this list, but if that’s the case, then drop me a line and tell me why! Now let’s get on with it, here are five guys, who really sucked hard. Job wise.

#1: Bruce Wayne (Batman franchise)

I know what you are all thinking: “Batman bla bla bla!”. But I am not looking at the Batman, but rather the man behind the mask, the supposedly boss of Wayne Enterprises. I’m looking at the character from the Nolan movies, and especially “The Dark knight” as Bruce didn’t really become the boss until the end. Bruce Wayne comes off as a really irresponsible CEO and that’s because he is. In the first movie we see him order large quantities of bat ears and other bat stuff for personal purposes, but writing it off as a business expense. We have a word for that, and it’s called embezzlement, and it’s incredibly illegal. Furthermore, in the 2^nd movie, we see him barely attending a business meeting between himself and a potential client. It’s embarrassing and when an employee has the nerve to point that out, he is berated and made do extra work by Wayne’s enforcer: Morgan Freeman.

When this guy is your muscle, you know you've made some poor choices.

We later find out, that the business meeting was just an excuse to do some extra Batman work. The aggravated employee also comes back to haunt Wayne later on, because he does not have the sense to disguise his vigilante dealings. Now an extremely clever reader could argue, that his real job is being a vigilante crime fighter and the CEO job is a hobby of his. But that just adds to my case, he should not piss away the opportunities that a position, as the head of one of the biggest corporations in Gotham City can provide, if not the biggest. If he were smart, he would erect (lol) free clinics, schools and devote a lot of his time to repair the infrastructure of Gotham City instead of using his funds to expose crooked foreign business men.

Players be hatin'

I realize that it would make for a boring action movie, but I argue, that Wayne could help more people by using his money instead of his brawn. Batman doesn’t seem to impact the crime in Gotham anyway, the state of the city seems to have deteriorated between the first and second movie anyway. It’s because Batman cannot legally apprehend criminals, so each time he stops a crime or catches a criminal he basically throws any case that ever existed out of the window. So in a sense Batman seems to be bad for Gotham?

Bonus info: The Dark Knight is the first Batman movie that does not have the name Batman in the title.

#2: Hudson (Aliens) 

Aliens almost made my previous movie article, but got cut at the very end. I actually got the idea for this article, when I cut the movie from the list. Hudson is part a marine team tasked with investigating a colony, which just happens to be infested with aliens. But no worries he’s a badass marine. He even proclaims himself “the ultimate badass” in the beginning of the movie. And why not? He’s got futuristic weapons, a kickass team and air support at his disposal, what could possibly go wrong? Hudson is on top of the world!

I love my life!

Ultimately the mission goes awry and most of his team gets torn apart or raped (seriously) by the aliens, and they are forced to retreat and rethink their strategy. Changing a battle plan is common on the fields of battle, and Hudson is a member o the colonial marine corps, which means he has received the best training money can buy (I guess) in the future. So naturally Hudson will cope with the realities of his situation and formulate some form of counter strategy? With his experience and training we assume that he will stay frosty at least, right?

Wrong

Hudson spends the remainder of the movie bitching about their situation and telling people, that they will die and that the game is over. He even meets his end because he ignores a retreat order from his superior officer, and thusly get’s torn apart (and presumably raped). It’s a sad thing to behold, but my gripe with the character comes at the beginning of the movie, where the marines receives their briefing and prepared for their mission. Hudson shows a blatant disregard for authority and even mouths off to the commanding officer. He’s reprimanded, but you can tell that he does not care at all. I think this all stems from his overconfidence, his bravado and when that is shattered, he can’t seem to pick himself up again. All things considered, maybe Hudson’s death wasn’t a terrible loss for the corps.

Would you pick this guy for your team?

Bonus info: Bill Paxton, the actor playing Hudson, is the only actor who has been killed by a Terminator, Alien and a Predator.

#3: Frodo (Lord of the Rings)

This article could be a huge piece about Sam and Frodo’s gay relationship or Frodo’s ineptitude and I would be hard pressed to stop writing. But as this is about jobs, let’s take a look at Mr. Baggins. I’m going to ignore the whole plot of the movie, because we all know how that went. This isn’t as much about sucking as it is about mooching. I’m talking about The Shire and Frodo’s role in it. When we first see Frodo he’s chilling in a tree reading a book and generally not giving a damn about anything.

I suspect that he's reading child pornography

Besides that we hear, that he enjoys walks and the occasional weed, but his big interest is adventure and books (which is bold for someone who has never actually left the Shire). What is his job? Sam is his gartner, so he’s bound to have money of some sort, because I assume that things still cost money or gold in Tolkiens universe? We see him spend money a couple of times in a pub, as Frodo enjoys some mugs of beer when he’s done with a hard day of reading and going on adventures.

Sam is an incredibly mean drunk

So where does he get his money? The answer is Bilbo the rich uncle, who actually went on an adventure (be sure to catch it in cinemas come December) and got back with untold riches and new friends in the form of a metro sexual elf lord and a funky fireworks guy. Bilbo even leaves all his money and his house (the best one in the Shire) to Frodo when he leaves, so Frodo is set for life. So to answer my own question regarding Frodos job; he does not do anything, nor does he have a job. If you were to compare him to a real life person, then it’s quite obvious who he is.

I'm allergic to poor people

Bonus info: Elijah taped himself running around in the woods and improvising dialogue for his audition for the role of Frodo.

#4: Boba Fett (Star Wars)

One of the most popular characters from the Star Wars universe, this bounty hunter is presented as an elite killer and being among the best of the best. But before we get to that, let’s take a look at his origins. Boba is a clone, spawned from the gene seed of his “father” Jango Fett. People familiar with the new movies already know this, but basically his father was commissioned to be the biological blueprint for an army made entirely out of clones. Jango decided to keep a clone and raise as his own son. But before there could be a happy ending they encountered this:

Noone survives an encounter with Samuel L Jackson

And thus, Jango was no more and Boba became a poor orphan boy. Don’t feel sad though, his father was a real prick. Boba inherited his father’s gear and ship, so he took up the bounty hunter trade and became really skilled at it. This is where my case starts for real, because in the old Star Wars movies, we get the distinct impression, that he’s a bonafide  badass. Most of the time we see him standing at attention behind the big players and the implication is quite significant. If Darth Vader deems you worthy to act as a bodyguard of sorts, then you’re hardcore man.

Look at them, best friends forever

And what does all this buildup amount to? Not much really. When it’s finally his moment to shine he’s portrayed as a bumbling jackass, who gets owned by a blind Harrison Ford. Sure, he’s got the gadgets and a cool jetpack, but when it comes down to business, he’s all show and no threat to the heroes at all. What a letdown. The lesson to learn here is: If you’re going to act like a badass and you don’t have the skills to back that attitude up, then make sure you never get into a fight.

Come on guy

Bonus info: Boba Fett has a very limited screen time, but became one of the most popular characters for writers of fan faction in the Star Wars universe.

#5: Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

It’s hard to dis Dumbledore, as he’s just about the kindest guy around in the Potterverse. He has an uncanny ability to show empathy for even the most vicious of people, and he has an absurd fascination with being too cryptic for his own good. With that I mean, that he could have saved Harry & Co. a lot of trouble by just spelling out the plot for them. He’s the sort of absentee guardian, who figures that whoever is coming for Harry probably can’t kill the little kid on his own. It’s kind of a dick move and he constantly does that. Take Azkaban, where he knowingly lets Hermione time travel, even though it’s incredibly forbidden. And instead of telling the gang to save the Hippogryph he muses about saving extra lives and some crap.  It would save time and tears if he just realized how inept the kids are and how ridiculously strong he himself is.

Dead? All of them? My bad.

In fact it’s a recurring theme, that Dumbledore is always unavailable when he’s really needed. Whether he’s up on incompetence charges or in jail, he’s never there to do the job he’s been assigned to do. Protecting the children of the wizarding world and making sure Harry doesn’t get murdered. And by my calculations he’s successfully intercepted a plot to murder harry zero times. He even let him compete in a dangerous tournament even though Harry clearly didn’t want to or was trained adequately to effectively compete. My theory is, that Dumbledore hates his job and especially Harry Potter. Just look at the numerous times he’s shown a blatant disregard for Harrys well being. I reckon, that Dumbledore knowingly puts Harry in danger just to be rid of the little dick.

Die this time, please.

Bonus info: Dumbledore is homosexual, look it up it’s true.

Thanks for reading! Another article will emerge soon enough.