Being
afraid is something very personal and individual. What may paralyze one person
might seem like nothing to you, so some of the things I’ll discuss in this
article might seem irrational to you, but for me, they can be the cause of some
really dark moments. My recent articles
have been leaning towards the neutral and more negative aspects of life, but
the next one will be enjoying a sunnier disposition, that is a promise from me
to you.
Fear is a
reaction to a perceived threat, be it physical or mental. It’s survival at its
basest form and you react to it via a fight or flight response, meaning you
either confront that fear or you run from it. Do not confuse fear with anxiety,
as anxiety can work as a catalyst of sorts; you are anxious about a certain
challenge, so you either grow to fear it or you conquer that fear. A simple
explanation would be, that it’s a coping mechanism designed to test your
resolve. Fear is part of human nature, and scientists speculate, that the
humans who learned to fear certain situations were the ones to survive and carry
their genes on to us. So a part of your fear is primal, such as fearing certain
predators and situations, but the more dominant ones are learned through
experience. Have a spider crawl across you face as an infant, and you may
develop a fear of said creature. Have a near death experience involving water
and you might not like water anymore.
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| Or maybe you just kick the hell out of fear? |
Having explained
a little about the nature of the phenomenon means I can dive into the heart of this
article. My fears. Keep in mind, that fears aren’t constant, not in most cases
anyway. A constant fear would drive you mad and ultimately destroy you. My
fears fluctuate, and sometimes they feel like old friends stopping by to
remember me where I come from and what makes me tick as a person. I’ve decided
to be a bit lyrical about it, so bear with me, as it’s a subject, that you don’t
often get to talk about in earnest. And being less than that would be a
disservice to all of you, and myself as well.
Success
Sometimes I’m
afraid, that I care too little
Sometimes my
efforts can be lackluster and brittle
Sometimes I
think I might not succeed
Sometimes
that makes me not want to proceed
Are low
expectations my way to cope?
Should I allow
myself to dream and hope?
What if my
dreams are torn asunder?
Could I ever
recover from such a blunder?
Sometimes I
think it’s best to fail
Because no
one will get to hear your wail
Fearing
failure is quite common I think. But I fear success as well. Because success
equals expectations and inevitably some bigger responsibilities in life, which
might not suit me, you cannot know until you’ve given it your all. Sometimes I
get really anxious about the prospect of teaching. So much can go wrong in a
classroom, especially if the children can sense your insecurity. But it’s more
than that. To be a professional means to have an absolute confidence in your
abilities and I do not have that, not all the time at least. This feeling might
change as the years progress, but that would not make for interesting reading
material would it? Suffice to say, that my confidence is not as high as I feel
it should be. So I do not fear failure that much, because nothing will change
by failing, you just get stuck in an endless loop of disappointments, and
somehow there’s comfort in that. A sad pitiful existence is still an existence
one might argue. But for how long I wonder?
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| Yep, todays article is dark |
Love
How can I
function as a man
With no one
to hold my hand?
When is it
my turn to shine?
Exchanging
my heart with thine
Courage is
the real enemy here
Without it,
I am paralyzed with fear
Can anyone
ever be fine
With seeing
the end of their line?
Will I ever
get the chance
To
experience true romance?
Wanting
love and having love are obviously two quite different things. Wanting it, is a
drive that dominates most people’s lives. You never stop searching for that
special someone, just as you never stop asking yourself: “Is this as good as it
gets?”. The quest for love is marred by its success I think. But these are just
guesses, as they are based on observation and not experience. I’m not afraid of
women, on the contrary actually, I really love having them in my life. Many of
the women I see socially are fantastic creatures, and I will never grow tired
of their company. We flirt a lot as well, which is normal I guess. My fear
comes, when it’s about to go from flirtation to relation. Not the physical
intimacy (boobs are awesome), but the implied responsibilities that comes with
a relationship, and the thought of not being “free” anymore. Will I have to
change who I am to savor love? You might stipulate, that I over think this, and
that love just happens and all that, but if I could control my fears, then I would
be on top of the world wouldn’t I?
See, when I
try to chat a woman up, it pretty much goes smoothly until I perceive that she
also has an interest in me. Then doubt
sets in, followed by fear and it usually results in a mental impotence of
sorts. It’s frustrating, because I am nearing thirty, and I am feeling the urge
to pass on my legacy, which is hard to do in a tissue paper. Two of my younger
siblings have kids already, and when that realization hit me, I panicked a
little. It would not be as severe, if I had a woman in my life, but at the
moment I am swinging blindly. Women always ask me who I have feelings for at
the moment, and instead of answering them, I usually just ignore the question,
as the answer depresses me. There aren’t any. That scares the hell out of me,
as the prospect of being alone, is even scarier than the thought of baring your
inner self to someone. Nobody wants to grow old on their own.
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| Zombies? This here is the real living dead. |
Numb
On a hot
summer day
My emotions
went away
I never
wondered why
They always
made me cry
But I see
why they were great
When it’s
impossible to relate
So now I
have a cadre of masks
Suitable
for all life’s tasks
So when you
see me smile
You see a
man in denial
I exaggerate
a little in the poem, but I have been feeling a growing sense of dread lately.
It’s a disturbing sense of isolation, as I no longer feel I can relate to
people in my life. Sure, we laugh and have fun together, but it’s accompanied
by emptiness, which is very hard to describe. I like to describe myself as an
empathic person, but I fear it’s becoming less true as time goes by. I
gradually stop caring it seems. The problem is, that in order to be happy, I
need to hunt down the objects I desire, but if I can’t relate or find pleasure
in most things anymore, then that quest becomes increasingly difficult. It
sounds a little like a mid life crisis, but does that mean I’ll only live to be
sixty?
I wrote about a certain tendency in a previous
article, that when people bore me, then I start daydreaming or ignore them
without their knowledge. This has become even more frequent as of late, and it’s
put me in a constant state of worry. Which is reinforcing my other fears and anxieties;
it’s all a vicious circle I can’t seem to escape, unless something drastic
happens. My own attempt at combating this emotional state has been through a
diet, which is going well (more on that in a future article), as I speculated if
I felt better about my physical appearance, then my mental health would improve
as well. It’s a solid theory I think, and I’m very excited to see what will
happen. You might wonder what the actual fear is in this section, but I honestly
cannot tell you, except, that it feels important to include. Which brings us to
my final point…
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| Oh God, what now? |
Be cool
I write
this blog as part of an experiment. A therapy of sorts, so you are bound to see
some very personal things written here, they might even include you. I realize
that this article makes me look like a suicidal shell of a man, but take heart
dear reader, if you recall what I said earlier, the fears aren’t permanent,
they fluctuate and some days are better than others. We are probably much alike
I think, because you don’t often sit down and write out your doubts and fears.
It can be very therapeutic, but it’s also a window into my life, that I open
with some caution. All I ask is that you don’t make a big deal out of it, or
feel sad, because pity is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.
Thanks for reading my thoughts, it’s always nice to know that we share some of
the same issues isn’t it? And if this is all foreign to you, then I envy you!
