Getting my act together, one step at a time.

In august last year I hit twenty eight and suddenly realized I was getting pretty close to the dreaded thirty. I had to take a long look at myself, the choices I had made and the results they had spawned. I was not entirely pleased, and this article is going to outline why that is and what I have done so far to rectify these issues. And let me tell you, there have been changes, and they have not been easy to accomplish. Get ready for an impressive insight into my mind, and what drives me. And be cool about it. In this exercise we will use what I call “Kris’ internal happiness meter” which is just a ten point scale, where ten represents a person at their most unhappy state and 1 is at their happiest. It’s to understand and follow, don’t worry, you’ll be alright! But first I had to define myself and what needed to be changed.

Fat, single, indebted and unhappy.

As I did my revision of my life, I found that I had three major issues about myself, and they were really weighing me down. These were the immediate things I had to address, if I would have any chance of changing for the better. We start at the most obvious one: my health. Anyone who knows me is aware of this and even more so if you have known me for the past seven to eight years. I was severely overweight and I smoked and drank a lot. At my peak I was smoking a pack a day and my weight was around 135 kg. To top it off I pretty much drank every weekend at least once, and if you add those things together, it spells a severely unhealthy lifestyle. Something really had to be done, as I was starting to feel really old in my body, but my mind was still crisp. At one point I was starting to get worried as I would get exhausted from a walk to get groceries and back. Not good.

I was also indebted, which meant I could not go out and buy the right food or had the mental energy to think healthy and be smart about my economy. I was really poor from my early twenties to mid twenties, and not having any money can really destroy ones self-worth, and without that it’s really hard to change yourself for the better. At least that is what I thought at the time. In addition to that, I was stupid enough to blow what extra money I had on cigarettes and alcohol. Now the problem wasn’t that I had these bills, it was that I procrastinated and simply ignored most of them, so they started piling up. It was dumb and I paid for it big time in the long run.

Being single was an issue as well at the time, because I felt, that if I would get rejected it was because they were shallow and unable to ignore my flaws. It’s frustrating, when you can’t see your own faults as being detrimental to your sex appeal, but instead choose to project your own excuses on to the people, that you really care about. It’s silly, but I really thought, that if I just had someone in my life who could love me unconditionally, then my health, debt and other issues would somehow magically disappear. It was a weird time for me.

If you add these three issues together you get a really screwed up individual. I can’t say if it was obvious to my friends and family, but I was really unhappy for some years in my twenties, and it’s my own fault for not having the guts to talk to them about it, but I have always been a very secretive and closed in individual, so I wouldn’t be surprised if no one noticed. I hid behind the mask of the jolly fat man well.

Kris’ internal happiness meter: 10

Like this guy, just remove the presents and Mrs. Clause

One strange night in August 2011

A day or so after my 28^th birthday I sat down and told myself: “Screw this, I need to change”.  So I started looking at my flaws and how best to address them in a way I knew, that I could handle. As I started to get the ball rolling I found, that it was much simpler (on paper) than I had previously feared. What follows here are the steps I took, to alleviate my situation.

1: Pay off your debt son!

The most pressing matter was my debt, which I had started to chip away at some months before my birthday, and I decided to just pay them all off one after the other in the full amount, so the bills would disappear. This could not be done though, as my debt was much larger than I realistically could spare from my budget, so another approach was needed. I had always been afraid to contact the collection agencies, but I started to call them up and explain my situation, and they were really gracious about it and most importantly; understanding. I took most of the bills and started to pay small amounts to each collector each month and gradually removed the bills one after the other. In addition I started making shopping lists and actually keeping a budget over my expenses, so I wouldn’t get totally surprised at the end of the month anymore. For many of you who reads this, this will be the moment where you roll your eyes, but to me it was really a revelation, and an absolute joy to see those bills gradually disappear. I still have a couple of old bills lift, but I have gone from a truly staggering debt to just having my SU loan and another bill left. It’s really amazing how good that feels, and that you do not have to worry about constant debt collectors calling you up, which can really wreck your day.

Kris’ internal happiness meter:  7

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure does make the world go around.

Trim that fat, boy!

Next job on the list would be my physical health. I took a look at some diets and talked to friends and people who were really into this stuff, as I knew NOTHING about healthy food and living like a healthy person. I soon realized, that most of the advice I was given were really great for people, who wanted to lose a lot of weight over a short period, but I wasn’t interested in a diet per se, but a gradual shift of my general lifestyle. So I started looking at, what I needed to absolutely cut and add to and from my diet and habits. First of all I needed to exercise daily. Before this, I exercised zero times a week and did not care about what I ate. So I started playing volleyball, which did not satisfy my needs, but then I found badminton, which is awesome and I play that three times a week now. A wrote a plea to my friends on Facebook, and a wonderful girl really kicked me in the butt, and got me exercising and it has done wonders for my confidence and my fitness. Thank you for that.

Now that the sports and fitness part was covered, I needed to look at my other habits. Smoking had been eliminated a year prior, so that was not an issue anymore. But the real problem here was the sweets, the drinking and the fastfood. Oh dear. I must be honest here. They haven’t gone from my diet a 100%, but I really really rarely eat them, so that’s huge, going from many times a week to, once or twice a month. I cut pasta, rice, potatoes, fat meat and heavy dairy products like cheese and cream. It works really well and I can feel that my body is healthy today, probably healthier than it has been in eight or nine years. The drinking part has been reduced to about half. I drink a couple times a month now, but I decided, that I should still be allowed some fun, and I am trying hard not to drink as much as I used to. And I feel confident that I will reduce it even more.

And what has this vigorous training, dieting and partying less resulted in? Well I went from around 135 kg to 113-114 kg in a year and I feel really healthy and fit. And most importantly I can feel confident and happy about myself again. Which is huge.

Kris’ internal happiness meter: 3

Not really. But you get the idea!

Get some lovin’, champ!

Being single was a disaster! At least that was what I thought. Any woman who smiled or winked at me was basically saying: “Fist me!”. Looking back I feel silly, because I was a bit desperate, but that was only because I tied my self-worth and ability to change to some mythical woman who would somehow fix it all. That’s not how the world works, because you’re responsible for yourself and if you can’t be bothered to make an effort, why should a woman be bothered to look at you, and see anything but a failure? I resented women for doing that, but was too stupid to see, that I was the one who was messed up. I am still single, but I really don’t mind now, because I am confident in my ability to fix myself and that confidence will surely attract the attention of someone someday, but as I said, I am not in a hurry. I come first, and I still need to lose more weight and add some stability to my life. That being said, I would still love to have someone in my life, who I could share this wonderful change with. It will come though, of that, I have zero doubts. Confidence is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

Kris’ internal happiness meter: 2

See? Room for one more.

Less fat, less poor, still single, but quite happy.

This article is a culmination of over twelve months of work. It felt really good to write this piece, as it brims with success and I could really not stop writing once I sat down to do this. It’s really hard to describe how great it feels to actually have changed in this way. I waited too long for this, but I was afraid to fail, which can be a crippling emotion. But now I don’t fear failure. I just respect it. This article is not just for me though, but for all the people who has supported me the last year in my quest to being a better and healthier person. You all know who you are, so I won’t drop any names. I do look forward to seeing you in November though. Thank you for a wonderful year everybody. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am off to exercise with a lovely lady.

See you next time, and sorry for the lack of updates, it's been a busy summer!

Summer is on us!

Hey folks! Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but summer is here, and I am actually busy this time of year, so I haven't had the time to write articles lately. I will do my best to write a couple articles in July and a couple more come august. To make up for the slack I promise they will be extra good! And to show how sincere I am, here's a picture of me looking sad.

EMOTIONS!

See you soon for the real deal! I love you! Like a gentleman loves a fine scotch and steak.

Five movie characters who sucked at their jobs.

Movies. It’s one of my favorite subjects, and with good reason. Movies are awesome! I could write exclusively about them on this blog, but that would be too boring for all of you, my beloved readers and soon to be fanbase (right?). Instead my aim is to be sneaky about and write clever observational stuff like this one right here. It’s obnoxious how smart that is, right?

You bet!

The general structure of a movie is that every character serves a distinct purpose or is meant to purvey a distinct feeling about them. Sometimes that purpose gets screwed up, and the character winds up looking like a jackass, that literally dropped the ball in almost every aspect of their characters job or profession. To make sense, this article is about movie characters who’re hired or already in a job, where they constantly fail or just do not live up to the expectations of the audience. Now you may not agree with the things on this list, but if that’s the case, then drop me a line and tell me why! Now let’s get on with it, here are five guys, who really sucked hard. Job wise.

#1: Bruce Wayne (Batman franchise)

I know what you are all thinking: “Batman bla bla bla!”. But I am not looking at the Batman, but rather the man behind the mask, the supposedly boss of Wayne Enterprises. I’m looking at the character from the Nolan movies, and especially “The Dark knight” as Bruce didn’t really become the boss until the end. Bruce Wayne comes off as a really irresponsible CEO and that’s because he is. In the first movie we see him order large quantities of bat ears and other bat stuff for personal purposes, but writing it off as a business expense. We have a word for that, and it’s called embezzlement, and it’s incredibly illegal. Furthermore, in the 2^nd movie, we see him barely attending a business meeting between himself and a potential client. It’s embarrassing and when an employee has the nerve to point that out, he is berated and made do extra work by Wayne’s enforcer: Morgan Freeman.

When this guy is your muscle, you know you've made some poor choices.

We later find out, that the business meeting was just an excuse to do some extra Batman work. The aggravated employee also comes back to haunt Wayne later on, because he does not have the sense to disguise his vigilante dealings. Now an extremely clever reader could argue, that his real job is being a vigilante crime fighter and the CEO job is a hobby of his. But that just adds to my case, he should not piss away the opportunities that a position, as the head of one of the biggest corporations in Gotham City can provide, if not the biggest. If he were smart, he would erect (lol) free clinics, schools and devote a lot of his time to repair the infrastructure of Gotham City instead of using his funds to expose crooked foreign business men.

Players be hatin'

I realize that it would make for a boring action movie, but I argue, that Wayne could help more people by using his money instead of his brawn. Batman doesn’t seem to impact the crime in Gotham anyway, the state of the city seems to have deteriorated between the first and second movie anyway. It’s because Batman cannot legally apprehend criminals, so each time he stops a crime or catches a criminal he basically throws any case that ever existed out of the window. So in a sense Batman seems to be bad for Gotham?

Bonus info: The Dark Knight is the first Batman movie that does not have the name Batman in the title.

#2: Hudson (Aliens) 

Aliens almost made my previous movie article, but got cut at the very end. I actually got the idea for this article, when I cut the movie from the list. Hudson is part a marine team tasked with investigating a colony, which just happens to be infested with aliens. But no worries he’s a badass marine. He even proclaims himself “the ultimate badass” in the beginning of the movie. And why not? He’s got futuristic weapons, a kickass team and air support at his disposal, what could possibly go wrong? Hudson is on top of the world!

I love my life!

Ultimately the mission goes awry and most of his team gets torn apart or raped (seriously) by the aliens, and they are forced to retreat and rethink their strategy. Changing a battle plan is common on the fields of battle, and Hudson is a member o the colonial marine corps, which means he has received the best training money can buy (I guess) in the future. So naturally Hudson will cope with the realities of his situation and formulate some form of counter strategy? With his experience and training we assume that he will stay frosty at least, right?

Wrong

Hudson spends the remainder of the movie bitching about their situation and telling people, that they will die and that the game is over. He even meets his end because he ignores a retreat order from his superior officer, and thusly get’s torn apart (and presumably raped). It’s a sad thing to behold, but my gripe with the character comes at the beginning of the movie, where the marines receives their briefing and prepared for their mission. Hudson shows a blatant disregard for authority and even mouths off to the commanding officer. He’s reprimanded, but you can tell that he does not care at all. I think this all stems from his overconfidence, his bravado and when that is shattered, he can’t seem to pick himself up again. All things considered, maybe Hudson’s death wasn’t a terrible loss for the corps.

Would you pick this guy for your team?

Bonus info: Bill Paxton, the actor playing Hudson, is the only actor who has been killed by a Terminator, Alien and a Predator.

#3: Frodo (Lord of the Rings)

This article could be a huge piece about Sam and Frodo’s gay relationship or Frodo’s ineptitude and I would be hard pressed to stop writing. But as this is about jobs, let’s take a look at Mr. Baggins. I’m going to ignore the whole plot of the movie, because we all know how that went. This isn’t as much about sucking as it is about mooching. I’m talking about The Shire and Frodo’s role in it. When we first see Frodo he’s chilling in a tree reading a book and generally not giving a damn about anything.

I suspect that he's reading child pornography

Besides that we hear, that he enjoys walks and the occasional weed, but his big interest is adventure and books (which is bold for someone who has never actually left the Shire). What is his job? Sam is his gartner, so he’s bound to have money of some sort, because I assume that things still cost money or gold in Tolkiens universe? We see him spend money a couple of times in a pub, as Frodo enjoys some mugs of beer when he’s done with a hard day of reading and going on adventures.

Sam is an incredibly mean drunk

So where does he get his money? The answer is Bilbo the rich uncle, who actually went on an adventure (be sure to catch it in cinemas come December) and got back with untold riches and new friends in the form of a metro sexual elf lord and a funky fireworks guy. Bilbo even leaves all his money and his house (the best one in the Shire) to Frodo when he leaves, so Frodo is set for life. So to answer my own question regarding Frodos job; he does not do anything, nor does he have a job. If you were to compare him to a real life person, then it’s quite obvious who he is.

I'm allergic to poor people

Bonus info: Elijah taped himself running around in the woods and improvising dialogue for his audition for the role of Frodo.

#4: Boba Fett (Star Wars)

One of the most popular characters from the Star Wars universe, this bounty hunter is presented as an elite killer and being among the best of the best. But before we get to that, let’s take a look at his origins. Boba is a clone, spawned from the gene seed of his “father” Jango Fett. People familiar with the new movies already know this, but basically his father was commissioned to be the biological blueprint for an army made entirely out of clones. Jango decided to keep a clone and raise as his own son. But before there could be a happy ending they encountered this:

Noone survives an encounter with Samuel L Jackson

And thus, Jango was no more and Boba became a poor orphan boy. Don’t feel sad though, his father was a real prick. Boba inherited his father’s gear and ship, so he took up the bounty hunter trade and became really skilled at it. This is where my case starts for real, because in the old Star Wars movies, we get the distinct impression, that he’s a bonafide  badass. Most of the time we see him standing at attention behind the big players and the implication is quite significant. If Darth Vader deems you worthy to act as a bodyguard of sorts, then you’re hardcore man.

Look at them, best friends forever

And what does all this buildup amount to? Not much really. When it’s finally his moment to shine he’s portrayed as a bumbling jackass, who gets owned by a blind Harrison Ford. Sure, he’s got the gadgets and a cool jetpack, but when it comes down to business, he’s all show and no threat to the heroes at all. What a letdown. The lesson to learn here is: If you’re going to act like a badass and you don’t have the skills to back that attitude up, then make sure you never get into a fight.

Come on guy

Bonus info: Boba Fett has a very limited screen time, but became one of the most popular characters for writers of fan faction in the Star Wars universe.

#5: Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

It’s hard to dis Dumbledore, as he’s just about the kindest guy around in the Potterverse. He has an uncanny ability to show empathy for even the most vicious of people, and he has an absurd fascination with being too cryptic for his own good. With that I mean, that he could have saved Harry & Co. a lot of trouble by just spelling out the plot for them. He’s the sort of absentee guardian, who figures that whoever is coming for Harry probably can’t kill the little kid on his own. It’s kind of a dick move and he constantly does that. Take Azkaban, where he knowingly lets Hermione time travel, even though it’s incredibly forbidden. And instead of telling the gang to save the Hippogryph he muses about saving extra lives and some crap.  It would save time and tears if he just realized how inept the kids are and how ridiculously strong he himself is.

Dead? All of them? My bad.

In fact it’s a recurring theme, that Dumbledore is always unavailable when he’s really needed. Whether he’s up on incompetence charges or in jail, he’s never there to do the job he’s been assigned to do. Protecting the children of the wizarding world and making sure Harry doesn’t get murdered. And by my calculations he’s successfully intercepted a plot to murder harry zero times. He even let him compete in a dangerous tournament even though Harry clearly didn’t want to or was trained adequately to effectively compete. My theory is, that Dumbledore hates his job and especially Harry Potter. Just look at the numerous times he’s shown a blatant disregard for Harrys well being. I reckon, that Dumbledore knowingly puts Harry in danger just to be rid of the little dick.

Die this time, please.

Bonus info: Dumbledore is homosexual, look it up it’s true.

Thanks for reading! Another article will emerge soon enough.

Artists you need to experience

I recently did a top ten list featuring the movies I thought you ought to see. This was quite popular and I got a lot of positive feedback from that article. My buddy Søren over at Enter Crawack told me, that he would do a similar thing, but with music. I liked the idea, but I did not want to simple do a top ten list again, this time it had to be different, and for various reasons, which I will explain in the next section of the article.

You can never just get to the point huh?

Music is very different from movies, especially when it comes to taste. People often describe their taste in music as what they are “into”, which generally means genre or thematic artists. This differs from the way we review movies, as we enjoy all genres of films, and we judge the product for what it is, rather than what it represents. You all have some genres of music, which you simply refuse to listen to, just because you have heard samples of music which you hated. And that’s fine, I do it too, I am just illustrating the difference in reviewing movies and music. So is there a point to this? You bet there is, and it’s a simple one, that really didn’t need all that build up. My taste in music is very different from yours, or it isn’t. This might be a factor in how much you will enjoy this piece, but I implore you to be open minded and leave your comfort zone. Because it’s when we venture into unknown waters, that we find the greatest treasures. Or something like that.

Treasure!

So now that’s out of the way, let me present to you, my eight artists, that I really think deserves your attention. I will embed a song from each artist at the end of each entry, that you should give a listen to.

#1: Damien Rice

Irish singer Damien Rice is probably best known for his hit single “Cannonball” or the mixed version of it. He’s a bit of hippie if you look at him personally, but if I cared about the artists personally, then certain artists wouldn’t get any airtime at all. He released his debut album called “O” and another one in 2006 called “9”. I don’t know what his fascination with short titles is about, but I really like his music so far. Music gets better depending on your mood, and Rice definitely falls in the “not so chirpy” category. The songs all start slow and then proceeds to build towards an emotional explosion, which really pokes at your heart in the good way. If you don’t mind a couple of tears in your coffee, then I suggest giving this guy a good listening to. My pick for your enjoyment is the song titled “Grey Rooms” and it’s my favorite song of his at the moment.

#2: Jonna Lee

Jonna Lee is a Swedish singer-songwriter and also the mind behind the project “Iamamiwhoami”. Her solo stuff is mostly guitar compositions with her singing ballads and covers. She gained a bit of notoriety when she did an acoustic cover version of the song “Human” by The Killers. It became an underground hit, but it’s not among my favorite tracks of hers. Her big project “Iamamiwhoami” is an electronic experiment, which draws influences from many electronic artists, and is very different from her solo material. There is something about soft voices and electronic music, which just tickles my music bone, so I totally dig this. I especially like the long intros to her songs and the calmness they project. She knows what she wants to say, and she’s in no hurry to do so. The embedded video is called “John” and is the perfect example of her style and energy, which I have grown to love.

#3: Dangermouse

I haven’t been listening to Danger Mouse for very long, but I really like it. The man behind Danger Mouse is Brian Joseph Burton and he has produced some really great stuff. He’s responsible for Gnarls Barkley and he has produced for Gorillaz and U2. Besides that, the main reason he is on this list, is due to his latest album called “Rome”. On the album he collaborates with Jack White and Norah Jones on some really funky tunes. It’s hard to describe the genre, but it’s really great stuff and I was immediately hooked. He’s been compared to a musical Woody Allen, and I partly agree, as they each have taken a field and made their style decidedly their own. Just as you instantly know when you’re watching a Woody Allen movie, you know when it’s a Danger Mouse song. The video I embed is of the song “The rose with the broken neck” featuring Jack White and…..just give it a listen!

#4: Death Cab for Cutie

Death Cab for Cutie is a veteran rock band from Washington, who has seven albums on their record and five EP’s. If I should label them, then I guess it would be a form of indie rock with a very special vocal. It’s really easy to listen to, and your mood will definitely improve, unless you already are on cloud nine, then I’ll start envying you instead. They aren’t well known in Denmark, their biggest hit came from providing background music to a commercial, but I really cannot recall which product they endorsed. All I know is the song, which will be embedded at the end of this segment, and it is called “I will follow you into the dark”. Give them a chance, some of their songs will make your heart smile.

#5: Antony & The Johnsons

Antony Hegarty is the man behind this band, and they have become sort of known here in Europe over the last couple of years. Their most popular piece is their second album called “I am a bird now” which features guest appearances from Lou Reed, Rufus Wainwright and Boy George. The music is really special I think, as it’s really indescribable beautiful. Hegarty’s voice is just amazing and I still cannot believe he can squeeze such vocals out, they are simply fantastic. This is also one of these bands where you either totally love what they do, or you really dislike it. This is the case with most “special” acts, as they force you to really consider the positives and negatives before judging it. By this I mean that it isn’t just another generic record, that you can toss into your preconceptions pile. The embedded video is a collaboration with Rufus Wainwright called “What can I do?” and the song is just hauntingly mesmerizing.

#6:  Nujabes

Jun Seba was a japanese Dj, who died in 2010. Luckily for us, he made a bunch of fantastic music before that happened. This is really perfect music for the summer, as it’s in the genre called House and with Nujabes’ touch it really just makes you want to swim, dance and chill with your friends. He also made the soundtrack for the Japanese anime called Samurai Shamploo, so people who are familiar with that will know the style. He works together with various rappers on his records, and he really is a versatile artist, and he will be missed a lot. The embedded video is called “Arurian Dance” and is the first track I heard of his, and it instantly hit home with me. I hope you will feel the same.

#7: LCD Soundsystem

LCD Soundsystem was something as special as a dance-punk band based in New York City. They split up last year, but they left behind three great albums, that I can highly recommend. In my mind they embody cool music, which means, that you just want to move some part of your body when their funky tracks start playing. As every artist on my list, they are definitely not for everybody, but it’s hard not to smile when they first start playing some of their really cool songs. Funny enough I’ve decided to not embed one of their fast paced songs, but a slow one instead. You can go find the coolest tracks yourself (Dance yourself clean) without my help. The embedded video is called “New York I love you, but you’re bringing me down” and my words can’t do it justice, so just give it a whirl.

#8: Nick Cave

My favorite living artist by far, his skills just cannot be matched. Being  musician, actor, writer and screenwriter he’s a busy man and he’s in both “The bad seeds” and “Grinderman”. He is known for writing emotional texts about violence, religion and death and in my mind, he is without a doubt the most underappreciated artist in the world. He is probably known by many of you for his work together with Kylie Minogue on the song “Where the wild roses grow”, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. He is what I would call an album artist, as it does him disservice to just pluck a track or two from certain albums, as they really come together if you hear the whole thing. He also wrote the screenplay for the Australian western “The proposition” which is a great movie that I want to recommend as well. I can write for days about his genius, but it’s much easier to just embed a video and let that speak for itself. The video is called “Love Letter” which is my favorite Nick Cave song. Check it out.

What a pile of…..!

Now that I’ve given you some insight into my musical world, I hope that you actually listened to the songs, because the quest for new music to enjoy is a fantastic one, so do not let prejudice and pride stop you from becoming a happier and well versed (musically) person. Sorry for the delay on this article, I’ve been ill and had to recuperate before I could write something that made sense. If you have some artists that you feel I should give a go, then feel free to write a comment, and if you haven’t, do it anyway! See you next time, and thank you for reading.

My way of saying thank you for reading.

Fear - my take on the phenomenon

Being afraid is something very personal and individual. What may paralyze one person might seem like nothing to you, so some of the things I’ll discuss in this article might seem irrational to you, but for me, they can be the cause of some really dark moments. My recent  articles have been leaning towards the neutral and more negative aspects of life, but the next one will be enjoying a sunnier disposition, that is a promise from me to you.

Fear is a reaction to a perceived threat, be it physical or mental. It’s survival at its basest form and you react to it via a fight or flight response, meaning you either confront that fear or you run from it. Do not confuse fear with anxiety, as anxiety can work as a catalyst of sorts; you are anxious about a certain challenge, so you either grow to fear it or you conquer that fear. A simple explanation would be, that it’s a coping mechanism designed to test your resolve. Fear is part of human nature, and scientists speculate, that the humans who learned to fear certain situations were the ones to survive and carry their genes on to us. So a part of your fear is primal, such as fearing certain predators and situations, but the more dominant ones are learned through experience. Have a spider crawl across you face as an infant, and you may develop a fear of said creature. Have a near death experience involving water and you might not like water anymore.

Or maybe you just kick the hell out of fear?

Having explained a little about the nature of the phenomenon means I can dive into the heart of this article. My fears. Keep in mind, that fears aren’t constant, not in most cases anyway. A constant fear would drive you mad and ultimately destroy you. My fears fluctuate, and sometimes they feel like old friends stopping by to remember me where I come from and what makes me tick as a person. I’ve decided to be a bit lyrical about it, so bear with me, as it’s a subject, that you don’t often get to talk about in earnest. And being less than that would be a disservice to all of you, and myself as well.

Success

Sometimes I’m afraid, that I care too little

Sometimes my efforts can be lackluster and brittle

Sometimes I think I might not succeed

Sometimes that makes me not want to proceed

Are low expectations my way to cope?

Should I allow myself to dream and hope?

What if my dreams are torn asunder?

Could I ever recover from such a blunder?

Sometimes I think it’s best to fail

Because no one will get to hear your wail

Fearing failure is quite common I think. But I fear success as well. Because success equals expectations and inevitably some bigger responsibilities in life, which might not suit me, you cannot know until you’ve given it your all. Sometimes I get really anxious about the prospect of teaching. So much can go wrong in a classroom, especially if the children can sense your insecurity. But it’s more than that. To be a professional means to have an absolute confidence in your abilities and I do not have that, not all the time at least. This feeling might change as the years progress, but that would not make for interesting reading material would it? Suffice to say, that my confidence is not as high as I feel it should be. So I do not fear failure that much, because nothing will change by failing, you just get stuck in an endless loop of disappointments, and somehow there’s comfort in that. A sad pitiful existence is still an existence one might argue. But for how long I wonder?

Yep, todays article is dark

Love

How can I function as a man

With no one to hold my hand?

When is it my turn to shine?

Exchanging my heart with thine

Courage is the real enemy here

Without it, I am paralyzed with fear

Can anyone ever be fine

With seeing the end of their line?

Will I ever get the chance

To experience true romance?

Wanting love and having love are obviously two quite different things. Wanting it, is a drive that dominates most people’s lives. You never stop searching for that special someone, just as you never stop asking yourself: “Is this as good as it gets?”. The quest for love is marred by its success I think. But these are just guesses, as they are based on observation and not experience. I’m not afraid of women, on the contrary actually, I really love having them in my life. Many of the women I see socially are fantastic creatures, and I will never grow tired of their company. We flirt a lot as well, which is normal I guess. My fear comes, when it’s about to go from flirtation to relation. Not the physical intimacy (boobs are awesome), but the implied responsibilities that comes with a relationship, and the thought of not being “free” anymore. Will I have to change who I am to savor love? You might stipulate, that I over think this, and that love just happens and all that, but if I could control my fears, then I would be on top of the world wouldn’t I?

See, when I try to chat a woman up, it pretty much goes smoothly until I perceive that she also has an interest in me.  Then doubt sets in, followed by fear and it usually results in a mental impotence of sorts. It’s frustrating, because I am nearing thirty, and I am feeling the urge to pass on my legacy, which is hard to do in a tissue paper. Two of my younger siblings have kids already, and when that realization hit me, I panicked a little. It would not be as severe, if I had a woman in my life, but at the moment I am swinging blindly. Women always ask me who I have feelings for at the moment, and instead of answering them, I usually just ignore the question, as the answer depresses me. There aren’t any. That scares the hell out of me, as the prospect of being alone, is even scarier than the thought of baring your inner self to someone. Nobody wants to grow old on their own.

Zombies? This here is the real living dead.

Numb

On a hot summer day

My emotions went away

I never wondered why

They always made me cry

But I see why they were great

When it’s impossible to relate

So now I have a cadre of masks

Suitable for all life’s tasks

So when you see me smile

You see a man in denial

I exaggerate a little in the poem, but I have been feeling a growing sense of dread lately. It’s a disturbing sense of isolation, as I no longer feel I can relate to people in my life. Sure, we laugh and have fun together, but it’s accompanied by emptiness, which is very hard to describe. I like to describe myself as an empathic person, but I fear it’s becoming less true as time goes by. I gradually stop caring it seems. The problem is, that in order to be happy, I need to hunt down the objects I desire, but if I can’t relate or find pleasure in most things anymore, then that quest becomes increasingly difficult. It sounds a little like a mid life crisis, but does that mean I’ll only live to be sixty?

 I wrote about a certain tendency in a previous article, that when people bore me, then I start daydreaming or ignore them without their knowledge. This has become even more frequent as of late, and it’s put me in a constant state of worry. Which is reinforcing my other fears and anxieties; it’s all a vicious circle I can’t seem to escape, unless something drastic happens. My own attempt at combating this emotional state has been through a diet, which is going well (more on that in a future article), as I speculated if I felt better about my physical appearance, then my mental health would improve as well. It’s a solid theory I think, and I’m very excited to see what will happen. You might wonder what the actual fear is in this section, but I honestly cannot tell you, except, that it feels important to include. Which brings us to my final point…

Oh God, what now?

Be cool

I write this blog as part of an experiment. A therapy of sorts, so you are bound to see some very personal things written here, they might even include you. I realize that this article makes me look like a suicidal shell of a man, but take heart dear reader, if you recall what I said earlier, the fears aren’t permanent, they fluctuate and some days are better than others. We are probably much alike I think, because you don’t often sit down and write out your doubts and fears. It can be very therapeutic, but it’s also a window into my life, that I open with some caution. All I ask is that you don’t make a big deal out of it, or feel sad, because pity is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Thanks for reading my thoughts, it’s always nice to know that we share some of the same issues isn’t it? And if this is all foreign to you, then I envy you!

The ten movies you have just got to see. Right now.

As the next step of my enduring battle against doing anything productive, I thought it would be fun to write an article about one of my favorite things; movies! I spent a great deal of time (not really) compiling this list, because in my mind the taste you have in movies says a lot about you as a person. It’s an important factor when it comes to compatibility and harmony, as a couple who does not share a similar taste in movies, are in for some arguments when it comes to movie nights. That hypothesis is based on observation not experience.  Also when you talk to your friends about movies, it’s a great help to know what they like, so you (me) won’t get bored. People who think Transformers (the Bay movies) and Fast & Furious are simply awesome movies they are not in for a stimulating conversation with me, at least when it comes to movies. Ones taste in movies seems to fluctuate depending on your mood, and the context in which you want to see a movie. Sometimes you just need to experience some strong emotions, or maybe you just want to laugh for a while. This list is a mix of genres, but it is ultimately the ten movies I feel to be the best out there, right now. Please note that the movies are in random order, so don’t argue about the order, for me they are all “1’s”. Read the list and my comments on the movies themselves. Then watch said movies and talk to me about them at a later time. I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to movies, but I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.

This is me, in my mind, talking about movies.

#1: The lion king (1994)

I speculate that most of my readers have seen this one, which is why I figured I should start with it. Disney’s classic retelling of Hamlet was an instant hit when it was released in 1994. It tells the tale of young Simba, who is destined to rule Africa’s animals from atop Pride rock. He is ultimately betrayed by his uncle Scar, who murders his brother, the king, marries Simbas mother and joins forces with the fiendish Hyenas. Simba escapes and returns as an adult to reunite the kingdom and avenge his father. It’s a great story and it has that Disney “feeling” to it, but you all know this. I would recommend the English soundtrack, as the Danish one just doesn’t cut it. It’s also one of the last great drawn Disney movies, as the shift to computer animated movies started not long after, and the traditional Disney movie died then. This movie is special to me in another way as well. My mom took me to the cinema to watch it together with her. One of my fondest memories of my mother is when we watched this movie, and as Mufasa died, she took my hand and smiled at me, because she could see I was tearing up. That might factor in with my fond memories of this movie, but I dare anyone to watch the stampede scene and not have to fight back the tears.

What a prick.

#2: Scott Pilgrim vs. the world (2010)

This movie is a bit of a sleeper on my list, as it’s one of those movies you either love or hate. There is no middle ground here. The premise is simple: Scott falls in love with a girl. To win the right to be with this girl, he must fight her seven evil x’s.  X’s as in ex-boyfriends. The plot is really strange, but it’s done in such an awesome way, that you sort of just accept this to be the way things work. The acting and drama is over the top with a bunch of irony, it’s delicious. The movie makes fun of itself too, and if I had to label it, I would classify it as a “feel-good movie”. What really makes it great, is the homage it pays to the 8-bit era of gaming and the arcades. The whole movie has a definite video game vibe to it, and I was just blown away by the style. It’s really hard to say more about this movie, it’s one of those movies that you have to see to understand why it’s so great. Which is pretty much the case with every movie?

#3: Full metal jacket (1987)

I could talk about this movie for hours, but all I have to do is show you a picture from it, and you will nod your head and agree with me, that this is a frigging awesome movie. End of discussion.

I do have the courtesy to give a reacharound, sir.

#4: Rear window (1954)

I knew I wanted a Hitchcock movie on my list, but the problem was which one? In the end I settled on my favorite: Rear window, which really impressed me from a technical standpoint as well as delivering a magnificent story. James Stewart plays Jeff, who has broken his leg and is confined to a wheelchair in his apartment. He’s a photographer for a living and has some wide lenses lying around, which he uses to survey his neighborhood.  He is often visited by his girlfriend, played by Grace Kelly (lovely creature), who indulges him in his espionage. During one of his nightly peek-a-thons he hears a scream from across the way and from the next day, he starts to suspect his neighbor of murdering his wife. But is it delusion or not? That is the premise of the movie, and it’s done so well by the master of suspense. You are never quite sure of what to think, and that’s a testament to the movies quality. One of the most impressive things, is the way the movie is filmed. Hitchcock built a whole set in the image of an American big city neighborhood. The camera is then placed in a way, that we see everything from the viewpoint of Jeff. The effect is a form of intimacy between us and all the people who live in the apartments, it’s really sublime.

A master at work.

#5: Pulp Fiction (1994)

This is also one of those movies, where you have no problem justifying it’s place on a list of great movies. The story is so well knit together it haunts my dreams. You always discover something new, when you watch it, and watch it you will. Many times. I’m not a Travolta fan, but he does a great job in this movie, but the show stealer is Samuel L. Jackson as Jules. His “bible” quote was so popular when the movie came out, that it got a song based off of it, and a slew of merchandise. He really is the baddest mother in town. But it’s just insane how quotable this movie is, which is really something for a movie, and a testament to how well written the script is. I have always held Tarantino in high regard, and I was torn between Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. What really sets him apart is not the plots or settings, it’s the sharp dialogue and the way he shoots his movies. I absolutely love movies, where they do not cut every freaking second. Tarantino loves long takes, so I love Tarantino. The actors are in focus, not the action, which I really like. Oh, and the soundtrack is second to none.

#6: Nobody’s fool (1994)

1994 was a good year for movies. As the third movie on my list from that year, I gotta say, this might arguably be the best. I have a thing for small town dramas and this one is the crème de la crème. Paul Newman in the best role he has ever played, and backed up by solid actors like Bruce Willis and Melanie Griffith. Newman plays local hothead Sully, who has a bum knee. He has no contact with his family and he does not enjoy considerable respect in the community. But when his estranged son moves back to town together with his family Sully begins to change. That is all I will say about the plot, but it’s one of those heartwarming tales, that speaks to the heart. The reason I really like it, is because of the acting and the authenticity of the environment it plays out in. And if you can watch this movie without feeling something for Newman’s character, then you are dead inside.

Just look at that cute face.

#7: 12 angry men (1957)

The greatest courtroom drama ever filmed. By far. 12 angry men puts us in a room with 13 jurors, who must decide whether to send a young man to jail or not. It stars Henry Fonda in the leading role, and he is always brilliant. The plot revolves around Fonda’s character, who tries to convince the rest of the jurors to agree with him. The methods used to do so are all well thought out and clever, but they are besides the point, as the movie is a study of character. All jurors are very different, as are their motivations for voting as they do, and it’s genuinely exciting to watch them fight (sometimes viciously) to be right. It’s in black and white, which might scare off some people. I once spoke to a young man, who honestly could not see the value in watching movies that were older than 1990. What a fool. But then again, I often speak with people, who do not want to watch a movie that is not in full color. As if the lack of color has a detrimental effect on the medium. It’s a silly statement to make, and it’s a damn shame to think, some people may be robbed of the joy of watching movies like this one, based on some stupid principle.

Give these men a chance.

#8: Blade Runner (1982)

The best science fiction director ever, with one of the coolest actors ever and a setting that is simply mind-blowing. That is what Blade Runner has to offer, and boy does it offer it well. Blade Runner is based off Philip K. Dick’s novel “Do androids dream of electric sheep?”, but I honestly prefer the movie. In the future mankind uses replicants (robots) to mine asteroids and fight wars. Replicants are superior to humans in every way, so to make sure that they do not take over, they are built with a short lifespan. The ethics behind this and the replicants desire to live is the centerpiece of this masterwork. I consider this to be the greatest science fiction movie ever made, and it’s a little difficult to explain why. One of the reasons is the visuals. Ridley Scott is a master of portraying stunning worlds and the future in Blade Runner is as ugly as it is beautiful. But what is even more important, is that you do not feel like this is some distant wasteland or unreachable utopia. This is a plausible future for us all. The ethical dilemma in the movie is handled really well, with heartbreaking dialogue and a desperation from the replicants, who initially are the bad guys, but you start to empathize with them. Rutger Hauer delivers a really powerful performance as the leader of the replicants, and the last ten minutes of the movie are among the greatest moments in movie history. Before I go on an even longer rant I would recommend you to just see it. It really is epic.

 #9: OldBoy (2003)

This movie is Korean and it’s explicit, so if you’re not inclined to watch foreign movies or some very graphical violence, then steer away. You’ll be incredibly sorry you did though. Oldboy is the 2^nd movie in Chan-Wook Parks trilogy of revenge. I can recommend the whole trilogy, but I picked this one, as it’s the best of the three. Dae-Su Oh is on his way home to meet his daughter when he is kidnapped and locked inside a room for 15 years. He is never told by whom or why. When he is released he goes on a quest to answer the very simple question: “Who locked me in a room for 15 years?”. It’s a simple plot, but it becomes complicated and the twist in the movie will destroy your mind, it’s that good. All actors and actresses are fantastic, but Min-Sik Choi steals the show, as the titular character. He is so rough and remorseless; you just can’t help being fascinated. The movie is being remade in English format, but please watch this version first, as I am certain the English one will butcher this masterpiece. I mean, watch it purely for the hallway-hammer fight scene. Trust me.

This scene will melt your brain.

#10: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966)

Tarantino once said, that the last 30min of this movie was the closest we would ever come to the perfect movie. And I wholeheartedly agree. This spaghetti western epic is mostly known for its music (Metallica uses a song from this movie as their opening act), which is a damn shame. Not to say the music is bad, it really isn’t, it’s one of the best soundtracks ever made. Ennio Morricone gave the movie an extra heart with his music, and it’s hard not to smile at times, when the iconic yell comes through your speakers. It’s hard to describe what makes this movie so great, but I will do my best. The three main characters; Tuco, Blondie and Angel-Eyes make the perfect trio, as Lee van Cleef is the embodiment of evil, Eastwood is the perfect anti-hero and Eli Wallach delivers an Oscar winning performance as the poor Tuco, who has no luck in the world. The plot is as follows: A dying man reveals two parts of a treasure location to two different men, and they are forced to work together, if they want to claim the treasure for themselves. During their hunt they get caught up in the civil war, and its horrors. The setting is fantastic, it truly is an epic sight the first time you see the trenches and fights between the north and the south. Some people perceive the movie as silly, but do not make that mistake, as this is one of the most serious and heartbreaking depictions of the “western” era of  American  history. Sergio Leone, the director, never got the glory he deserves, but anyone who watches this movie will agree, that he was something special alright.

Just watch the movie, you'll thank me later.

That was my list. I hope you enjoyed reading about my favorite movies, and if you disagree with anything I’ve said, feel free to comment, or you might even want to leave your own list for me to review? Until next time!

Regards

Kris